So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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