Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
