Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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