im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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