Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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