I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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