Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
