My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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