i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
