Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
