wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
