my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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