I don't remember. Are we still dating?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
