FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
