I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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