Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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