After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
