Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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