worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
