Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
and she was petting her beer can
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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