just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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