you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Are we still banned from the library?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
