I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
