shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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