True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My balls are so social today.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
