I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize