Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
