I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
