hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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