A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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