so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
