i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
