Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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