She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
