Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
