my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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