My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
