we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
