Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
