The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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