Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Randomize
