they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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