I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Randomize
