He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
