Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
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