I seem to have left my pride at pride
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
