That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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