I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
