upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
