I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
