I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
