I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He literally asked permission to hit on me
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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