yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
