If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I believe in your delicious
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
