You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
