Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
