At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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