i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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